


desolation

by orphan_account



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: :/, Everyone who isn’t tony is just mentioned, Infinity War, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Spoilers, im just hurting and writing this an hour after the movie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-27
Updated: 2018-04-27
Packaged: 2019-04-28 11:42:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14448561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: He has never quite felt suffering the way he feels it now, broken and not knowing why he’s alive. All by himself. He doesn’t cry—at least, he does not do so consciously, and he doesn’t sob. The tears come, of course, but he has nothing tangible to mourn. He doesn’t even get their bodies? Tony is..tired, after all these years of fighting. So tired.This, he thinks, this is desolation in its purest form.





	desolation

**Author's Note:**

> :/// this is short and crappy but idc I’m hurting

It’s pain, in a way he’s never hurt before. It’s loss, in a way he’s never lost before. It’s falling in a way he’s never fell before, drowning in a way he’s never drowned before. It’s Sokovia and New York and Siberia and Germany and Killian and Afghanistan and Vanko—it’s all of that, all of that grief and pain and hardship, it’s all that and more.

They write about death in poems, write about its embrace like it’s something beautiful, something graceful. Why do they do that? Why? Have they seen death? Have they seen it like he has?

There was nothing beautiful, nothing graceful or romanticized about Peter, young and terrified and heartbreakingly loyal Peter, falling into him, clutching onto him. Asking him what’s going on, telling him that no, he isn’t ready to go out, he doesn’t want to die. Nothing remotely beautiful.

And they say that _sacrifice_ is worth it, a necessary evil.

Strange, god damn him, he had sacrificed everybody for Tony. Everybody, to save Tony Stark’s life. Why? _Why?_ Tony doesnt understand. He doesn’t know why. He does not deserve to live, when everyone else dies. Perhaps that is why he’s left alone. Completely and utterly alone, on this alien planet, stranded here once everybody was dead and gone. Why couldn’t it have been him instead of Peter? Why didn’t Strange let him die?

A fundamental question arises from this chaos in his head.

Why live, when everything you lived for is gone? When you lived to protect people, to do the one thing that could reconcile the wrongs you had done. When you were the only one who could protect those who needed it, needed someone like him. Why live, when you failed? When you let everyone down. When they’re all dead. Why was he spared? Is this recompense, the final bit of payback, for everything he’s done? God’s wrath made real?

He has never quite felt suffering the way he feels it now, broken and not knowing why he’s alive. All by himself. He doesn’t cry—at least, he does not do so consciously, and he doesn’t sob. The tears come, of course, but he has nothing tangible to mourn. He doesn’t even get their bodies? Tony is..tired, after all these years of fighting. So tired. And this, he thinks, this is desolation in its purest form. Absolute hopelessness. He’s never felt that before. He’s always had that spark in him, that gear in his head that never stopped turning, always pushed him to keep going and going and going. It’s gone now. Or at least he doesn’t know where it is. There’s nothing left to fight for. Nobody left to fight. Where is Thanos? Where is the rest of the team? For all he knows they’re dead, too. For all he knows, he never saw Steve Rogers again, never said sorry, never forgave him, and he never will. That would be fitting, wouldn’t it? For him to be the only one left. The only Avenger left standing.

Strange gave up so many lives, gave up his life, so that Tony may live. That should mean that he needs to do something, needs to find a way to fix this, undo it. But this doesn’t occur to Tony, as he stares into the desolation. No, he does not yet long to fight again, to fight something that can’t be fought and for people who are already lost.

Tony Stark simply stares into the desolation, and the desolation stares back at him.


End file.
